what i want is simple : when im sick, come to my house and make me some tea. or when its a boring sunday , watch a movie with me. text me and tell me im pretty. be the friend that i am to you........ isnt that what we all want

?

its almost new years. 2010 here we come

!

~~~~~~~

if you give me half a chance. i'll prove this to you. i will be patient, kind, faithful, and true. to a man who loves music ; a man who loves art ; repsects the spirit world and thinks with his heart

~~~

where is this man?

i hope to find him one day

Probably the best quote in the history of the world. My favorite by far. I stand by it completely, and im posting it, so others may do the same. Enjoy

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am i to be brilliant, talented, gorgeous, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so others won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us ; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberate others "

~~~~taken from the book, A Return to love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson

New years resolutions/ goals

*become healthier and more active. lose weight and finally feel ok with who i am (no i'm not obese, i just...well if you read my blogs you'd know that i have an eating disorder)

*get my grades up. mostly in geometry. focus on school, before anything or anyone else.

*find someone who gets me.

someone i can talk with, laugh, cry, hug and kiss.

find someone who actually likes me for me**

im sure their is a lot more to this list.

but these are the 3 main.

in order of importance.

i hope to accomplish all 3, and however more i have.

cheers

***********

its 11:09 and i just finished my homework. i spent probably the last 4 days wasting my time studying for a geometry quiz that im probably gonna fail. which is terrible because i got an F 1st quarter. F or failure!!! ugh whatever. i finally cut off some unwanted people in my life and it feels dam good. no more drama, i dont need it. im not a dramatic person, i just wanna live life.

we had a real track practice today. boy was it overwelming. i need to get over my insecurities and realize that people will ALWAYS be watching me. too bad that same person i hate does track too. oh well, build a bridge, push him over into the river, while i cross over! ;).

my love life? still non existent!

im out, good night bloggers :)

"i know you dont believe in fairytales. But if you did, id wanna be your knight in shining armor. You've been through so much. I don't wanna see you hurt anymore. Now i may not be able to give you all that your used to. But i do know, i can love you past your pain. I don't want you to worry about anything. You just have to wake up in the morning, thats all you have to do, and i'll take it from there. There's one condition: you have to be my wife"

Orlando proposing to Helen in, Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

i want to find a man like orlando.....

its 11:00pm on a saturday night. its november 28th and im still awake, writing this blog. i stare out my window and i think of the world thats alive and well outside of this house. i want to explore and break through all the boundaires that are stopping me. i want to runaway from every insecurity i have. i want to actually feel like ME for a day. ive been so cautious and wallowing in this self pity. im sick of it! im going to change what needs to be changed, and not dwell on whats meant to be. sitting around and complaining for 2 and a half yrs, has done me no good. cept for make me angry at myself and the world. im ok right? or at least i will be. tomorrow is a new day. track officially starts on monday. thats my focus. getting my geometry grade up, doing well in all my other classes, and excelling at track. im on the pursuit of happyness. and goddammit im gonna get their. jus watch me ;)

im with you -- avril lavigne

sooo many thoughts, with so much space to write it in. so why cant i just write? why cant i just give my emotions away, to this white space and let the internet and whoevers reading it, do what they want with it? im so confused. one day i have it all figured out. its like im stable. and the next day, everythings falling apart. im tired. emotionally drained. :'(.

track is going great. with each day, i get better, faster, and stronger. ok maybe not faster, cause lord knows my legs are as fast as snails lol. but when im at practice, its like everythings ok.

i still wish i had that special someone. but hes nowhere to be found....sigh.

with school, friends, and therapy, idk what to do. im slowly losing one of my bestfriends. yet gaining new ones. its complicated. but i guess thats how life is. ppl come and go. a wise person once told me that. i never believed them until now.

just once in my life, i want to wake up and in the morning and not feel like things could be better. i want to feel good. about myself, my grades, my friends, etc. right now all i ever have is negative things to say about myself. i stay positive for everyone else, but when it comes to me, i cant seem to keep that same confidence. im in a vulnerable state right now, i'll settle for anything and anyone. and i know thats not right. what happened to me?

i've siad this before: i really wish i could go back to that time in my life where things made sense, i was genuinely happy, and i didnt have a care in the world. its a vague memory that im trying to hold onto. to keep my motivated and get through my problems. and maybe one day, getting it back ~~~~

maybe this is all part of growing up. im not sure. i could be overreacting. but i feel lost. and have been for a while. my biggest fear is, 20yrs from now, ill be in this same ditch. trying to dig my way out......

song of my lonely night : promise---jagged edge

MY FAVORITE BAND EVER!!!!

this has to be the greatest band in the universe

!!!!!!!!!

sometimes i lie awake at night, hoping that you'll text me. i make myself stay up longer than usual just in case you decide to call. i lay and think of you, hoping maybe ur out there thinking of me too. although i'd never let you kno how i feel because it could be one of two things: you might feel the same. or you might not. and both of those are equally scary. i choose to keep these feelings to myself. we cant be together, but i guess ill never stop caring. or stop loving. ~~

i dont really know whats going on....

this week has been a whirl wind of emotions. my grades, mi familia, i just dont know where to start or what to do. i wanna run away. from my emotions, from the stress, from ppl. im real good at that . good at avoiding. avoiding the issue, instead of being brave and facing them head on.

idk i really want someone here with me.

i started talking to someone new. im guessing thats a good sign. but even he makes me question. its hard to actually get to know someone when everyone else has been after one thing. i have my guard up so high, i dont wanna let anyone in.

i really want track to start. i feel like thats whats gonna help. not coming home and having to see my family until late at night. i need to be out of this house. just me, and my throwing. thats all i need. things with my mom arent so good since i got that F in geometry. i cant take her yelling. i dont want to cry anymore. all i need is someone to talk to.

how is it that i can be in a sea of ppl, and still feel all alone?

someday this will all make sense. and everything im going through will be for something greater. we go through trials and tribulations, to get to our goals right? im still going to try. because at the end of all of this, im gonna make it. one way or another. theirs a light at the end of this tunnel. i just know it.

thats it for now.

song of my night : built this way--samantha ronson

Memoirs of a compulsive eater ~~~

ive been this way since...wow ever. recently it got worse. for the last 2 yrs its been a constant battle. self esteem, confidence, weight gain. idk what to do. i did start therapy. when im with my therapist, i feel at peace. like im unstopabble and i found the answer to all my problems.

the point of therapy is to learn how to deal with the issue ur having. whether its drugs, alcohol, eating, etc. your supposed to apply what you've learned in the real world when the session is over. im having trouble doing that.

food is like my safety.

i turn to it when things r going wrong. i dont know what else to do. its hard to face things head on. i use it as a crutch basically. the hard part about being a compulsive eater is : you need food. you need it to survive. you cant just do away with it like a drug, or a bottle of alcohol.

its hard. i cry. A LOT. it isnt easy. ive been through so much and it doesnt look like its going to end. sometimes i stop and wonder. what happened to me? where was this wrong turn i took? i dont how things got so bad.

im scared it'll never stop. my family notices the weight gain. my clothes are tighter, and i feel like everytime i go shopping, i have to pick the next size up. im tired. im drained. i have no energy left. i feel like im losing to food. it sound so pathetic. if only you knew how i really felt. no one really gets it. i dont know anyone else with this problem. i feel like the fat one out of all my friends.

will this ever stop? will i somehow find my way out of this?

i just wanna be happy again. :'(

sog of my night:

happy by leona lewis

these thoughts will linger **

tell me why your here, with me, in my life. tell me what we're doing, and tell me why your really doing it. tell me you like me. tell me you hate me. just tell me something!i know why i want to, but you and i are different. im in it for all the right reasons, and knowing you, ill actually never know.

sometimes i think my insecurities are a blessing in disguise ; lord knows if i didnt have them i would've done so many things i regret.

i dont wanna give in just because im lonely.

its times like these i wish i could go back to that place where i had no worries. no complaints. dam its such a vague memory, and yet i still remember. i hold onto that memory in hopes of someday getting back to that comfort place where my life was stable and everything was right where it should be.

song of my night:

truly madly deeply by savage garden

these thoughts will linger **

did u ever have those times where you have so much on your mind and so much to say, yet you cant seem to get it out? yupp this is one of those times. idk i guess im confused? idk why i expect much from him. its not like we're together. but today...wow that was crazy. i need someone to explain to me wtf is going on and how i got here. i have more to say, i just dont know how to begin, or phrase it. ttyl bloggers, until i fgure out how to get my thoughts out.

THIS IS IT, wonderful movie! Michael Jackson is truley a great performer, may he rest in peace. During the movie, i thought of "him". its been almost a 2 months. and he still somehow finds his way back into my thoughts. I cant just forget about him, its not that simple. 6months is a long time to be with someone, and he was my 1st love. even though his love faded away, mine will always be. i prefer to love him from afar tho. i kept fighting for us, knowing deep down it shouldve ended a while ago. thats what love is, fighting for him/her even when you know their wrong. im better off without him, and he put me through enough. I dont need anyone right now. schoolwork, friends, and my music. thats what makes me happy.

Maybe if i stop searching for the answers to all my unanswered questions, they'll just come to me. Thats it! I try too hard looking for things. I spend too much time and energy searching. Lifes most precious moments are those unexpected. So i guess thats todays lesson.

Quit searching ; let it come find you.

whatever that "it" may be.

Isnt that what makes life worth living? Those spontaneous moments? Those moments that keep you on your toes? To me, thats living. Waiting and not searching for the unexpected.

Just wait. Its coming...

Song of my night:

~~Donnell Jones : where i wanna be ~~

Love Lives Forever**

Today was a great day. i dont know why, but i feel really happy and energized. I'm realizing that i dont just need to settle for whats their, because better is yet to come. indoor track is going well. im still learning the throwers spin, but ill get better. i had a great therapy session today as well. everything feels like its slightly changing. i havent binged, and my eatings getting to a maintaining level. Now if only my grades could get together. Im pretty sure im failing geometry, and i have either a C or a D in italian. but im not too worried, ill find a way to pull everything back together. my life is one big puzzle. im slowly starting to put the pieces together.

song of my night:

looking for paradise

alicia keys ft alejandro sans

im on the pursuit of happiness **

My view on this word that is often used, but the meaning is never fulfilled.

Love...what does it mean? To me, its an unexplainable emotion. It cant necessarily be defined, because their isnt only one definition. I guess, we each have our own take on it. My love, can be different from yours. When you get to a point, you cant go an hour without that special person. When your thoughts are constantly filled with their name, face. You cant go a day without hearing their voice. Being near them makes you feel like all is right with the world, and no harm could come to you.

To me

thats love.

Nowadays the word is overused; half the time we dont mean it.

When will you find your

LOVE

?

Today started off great, dont they always? i went to arianas house, hung out with her, abby, and michelle. "the boys" came a lot later. her mom was supposed to drop me off later, but for some reason my mom has a problem with me being out past 6. Its a long story, but basically i lied about what time her mom would bring me home, and now i can never go to arianas house again. i did get to see "him" today. It wasnt what i expected, he doesnt really notice me.

Idk what im looking for. I want someone to be their. Hold me. Tell me its okay. Maybe even love me.

I dont necessarily want a boyfriend. Relationsips=marriage. I'm too young for that. Maybe im too young for love. But is it too much to ask to be wanted? Noticed? Appreciated? Liked, in the same way you like them?

My head is so cluttered.

Heres a cute quote i found:

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, And finds in your presence that life is worth while, So when you are lonely, remember it's true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
~Unknown

its saturday. ugh its raining, im bored, and alone. im listening to music while i contemplate what it is im gonna do today. hmmm......

song of the night : wonderwall by oasis

I honestly dont know why i made a blog. I was looking at some of my friends blogs and then i realized maybe this could be good for me. i need some sort of outlet. my feelings are normally all bottled up and one day i feel like im gonna burst. im a sophmore, im 15, and right now, im feeling a little lost. i dont know what i want,and even if i did idk how id get it. my grades are ok i guess, and i started training for indoor track. my love life is currently non existent. hopefully through this blogging experience ill figure out exactly what im looking for... but for now im just gonna keep pouring my heart out onto this blog in hopes of clearing my mind, and who knows maybe someone will read this and be like, "thats it! she gets me!". if i can help at least one person, then im complete. laterr ppl :)